Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
