I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
