i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
