You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
