Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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