Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
