im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
