he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
