I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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