My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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