I just threw up on my dentist
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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