He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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