Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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