after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
