His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
