i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
