i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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