My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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