omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
