You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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