You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
