I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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