she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
