So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
