Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
