im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
