I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
