Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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