Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
