Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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