I cannot find my penis.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
