Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
