I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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