Well apparently he's into motor boating.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
