I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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