from now on my penis is your penis
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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