found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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