I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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