I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
