was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
