i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
