My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
