But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
