thus making me awesome and them whores
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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