And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
