Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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