I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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