Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
