just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
