well most of my day revolves around power hour
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
