but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
