I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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