Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
