i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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