Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
