my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
