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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
