Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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