guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
