When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
